MollyAnne has been at the Woodford Reserve bourbon distillery for nine years. She has short white bird-nest hair and a tiny water bottle cliped to her waist. She takes us on the tour of the distillery in Versailles, KY - a tour that came to a very anticlimactic end.

You may be aware that Kentucky held its presidential primaries last week, and by Kentucky law alcohol sales are prohibited until the polls are closed at 6 p.m. Woodford Reserve closes its doors to visitors at 5. So I learned about WR’s esteemed three copper tank distillery process, about their charred and toasted white oak barrels and got to smell their mouth-watering prized bourbon for a good hour and half with no free sample at the end. NO SAMPLE. I hoped there could be some bourbon loophole that differentiated the act of purchasing from the act of tasting without purchase, but sadly no. Kentucky doesn’t want you to be intoxicated might you go to the polls and vote for the republican candidate. (Too bad I stuck my finger in the sniffer MollyAnne filled with straight-from-the-barrell bourbon and tasted it. How could you not?)

In order to be true Kentucky bourbon, you have to follow some tried and true Kentucky rules. At least 51 percent corn meal. Distilled at less than 160 proof from fermented grain mash (a health food, if you believe MollyAnne). Matured in new white oak barrels (which only get used ONCE for bourbon, and then gets shipped to house tequilla, rum and other fine excuses for happy hour) at no higher than 125 proof. Bottled at 80 proof or higher. And nothing can be added to the final product but water.

This water rule might be the most important one. The natural limestone underneath all that Kentucky bluegrass filters all the spring water and removes iron while it adds calcium. This makes for delicious, mineral-enriched bourbon as well as thoroughbreds with strong bone structure. Go Derby.

Sour-mash smells like fresh baked bread. The bubbles aren’t from the heat - just the fermentation of the yeast. To me: a witch’s brew. (MollyAnne once dropped in some sunglasses - when they drained the tank six days later, there wasn’t much left. Somebody somewhere is getting drunk on old lady shades.)

In order to make sure the bourbon is uniform and all batches are just as savory as the next, the master taster tests each barrel and chooses the ones he thinks will make a good mix. Since they may be placed anywhere in the barrel house, the rollers have to carefully, artfully, roll all the barrels out just to get the one that has been requested. Yes, sounds annoying, but you must also remember that the barrel must always come to a stop with the bung (what we un-distillers call “stoppers”) on top. Just sounds anal to me (maybe their bungs are on top, too).

If you really, really love Woodford Reserve, or just have $9,000 to spare, you can request a Personal Selection. Not only do you receive 180 bottles of WR to drink and share with (boast about to) your friends, but it will be a combination of the contents of your favorite barrels. Also - you get your named engraved on a super cool plaque that the tourists get to gawk at in envy. And with your deposit you get to join the ranks of bourbon lovers Jerry Bruckheimer and the MGM Grand (who’s been six times).